Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??