You Might Also Like
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins