Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March