I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I have so many questions.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.