Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
You Might Also Like
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
same vibe as tangled headphones
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin