Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away