Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
No, I don’t think I will.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Meat Cute
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target