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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it鈥檚 my freaking grocery shopping list
All day: I鈥檓 so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we鈥檙e just close
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If only.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[detention facility]
Jeff: I鈥檓 in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.