Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*serious situation*
My brain:
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen