Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Hank is one in a melon.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.