You can’t make this shit up 馃槱
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I鈥檓 not sure if they鈥檙e trying to be sexy or if they鈥檝e just been shot.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
馃ぃcould you imagine
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I鈥檓 over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy鈥檚 wine.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. 鈽癸笍
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
It鈥檚 OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It鈥檚 that simple.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW