Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
new wife guy just dropped
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose