I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
This is a sub tweet
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”