As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?