My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
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8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
You had me at “define legal”.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.