Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
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Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs