A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos