My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”