Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The news in a nutshell.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.