I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
You Might Also Like
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who