If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Very good news from my accountant
Two types of dogs.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it