ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Hard not to take this personally
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Print is alive and well!!!
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?