if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
If snakes were wide
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)