Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50