Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying