I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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i’m sure it’s fine
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
He’s cranky this morning
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”