This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.