*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
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Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Awwwww shit.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me