“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
You Might Also Like
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
For those that worship cheese..
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.