acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
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Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.