My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
it’s the silliest best thing
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Legend 🤣🤣
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.