I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.