My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
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thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon