People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.