You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
You Might Also Like
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too