I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
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Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
This is a whole mood;
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.