The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?