Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”