The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
You Might Also Like
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
🤔😂😂
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
God, I love Scotland
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,