Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
shut up and take my money
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time