Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there