Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
no one likes gloating
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
When someone trying to leave me
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.