My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.