I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
SF is the wild wild west man