Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.