people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
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Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Finally a use for spoilers…
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides