Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
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It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.