Death certificates are our last participation award.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.