Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The 6 types of sex
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well