Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
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my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
calling in to work dehydrated
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories